Being single

I hesitated to write about this topic for fear of sounding like I'm "feeling sorry for myself," but it's on my mind tonight because I was reading another single woman's blog that I follow (it's called "Just One Single's Blog," and while she doesn't post on her blog very often, I find that whenever she does, her thoughts reflect mine exactly) and because Valentine's Day is coming up, which is usually pretty difficult if you're a single person wishing you had Someone Special to give you flowers and candy and take you out to dinner and a movie on that day!

I will confess that all my life, dating back to high school or even the later years of grade school, the desire of my heart has been to one day find a loving Christian husband. They say your image of marriage is shaped by what you see with your parents, and in my mom and dad, I was blessed to have two people who were crazy about each other, got along amazingly well (there were times Daddy accidentally hurt Mom's feelings, because he could be rather brusque and insensitive at times, a trait his daughter has unfortunately inherited, and Mom could be hypersensitive with paper-thin feelings who could get hurt over things nobody else would be bothered by, but 99% of the time, they got along like a hand in glove), and when Daddy died at not quite 49 years old from a sudden and unexpected heart attack, Mom never stopped missing him, and never remarried, saying, "There's nothing better once you've had the best."

I thought when I was in grade school, 7th and 8th grade, that I would probably have a "high school sweetheart." I'd heard that phrase so often and just took it for granted it would happen for me. But for whatever reason, I never did have a "high school sweetheart."

Since graduating and joining the adult world, I've found how darn difficult it is to "meet somebody." And I've also found that if you don't "meet somebody," people seem to think it's somehow, someway, your own darn fault, that you're "not trying hard enough," that you "need to get out more." Well, having read that you can meet people by taking night classes, I have over the years since I graduated from high school taken non-credit classes on all kinds of subjects at some of the community colleges, as well as a two-year for-credit course in medical transcription at a community college; I've taken classes on various subjects through the Phoenix Parks and Recreation Department and the City of Scottsdale Recreational Department; and I have found that the only men who take night classes are men who are dragged to night classes by their wives!

I've been a member of the Phoenix Zoo and the Desert Botanical Gardens and participated in member activities with both; I've done volunteer work on political campaigns and with local humane organizations; I've socialized with people from work (company picnics, going to sporting events and concerts and local amusement parks, etc.,) So when people tell me, "You need to get out more; you're never going to meet anyone sitting at home," and I recite the above list to them, their eyes glaze over and they say, "Oh, I guess you get out more than I thought."

Of course, the first thing people suggest is "try a dating service." I looked into that, but veto that idea for two reasons: cost and the likelihood it probably wouldn't work. Dating services are EXPENSIVE. They are, after all, preying on people's emotions, and it can easily cost you a four-figure sum or a very high three-figure sum to join one. I saw a program on TV on one of the cable networks (TLC or something like that) about dating services, and it said quite bluntly that only 20% of people who are set up on a date by a dating service even go out on a second date! If you're in major league baseball and your batting average is 200, you get sent down to the minors or released! (Go to a web site called "Ripoffreport.com" and look up horror stories on dating services - that's another reason I won't spend the money to join them!)

Plus, I don't like the idea of going out on a date "to find out if I like this man or if he likes me." In this same program I saw on TLC about dating services, they followed some people on dates that were set up by a dating service. One couple in their 20's met at a restaurant for lunch. There was nothing "wrong" with either of them; she was an attractive young woman who seemed very nice, and he was an attractive young man who seemed very nice, and on the surface it seemed like they ought to "hit it off."

But from the minute she arrived for the date, as the camera followed their meal, you could see that they just weren't hitting it off at ALL. There was zero chemistry there, and by the end of the date, they couldn't wait to get away from each other.

This same dating service set up another couple for a date, and while the old saying "opposites attract" might be true, you had to wonder about this date. She was a vivacious, outgoing, bubbly person with a personality like Bette Midler; he was a late middle-aged, quiet and dignified college professor who bore a strong resemblance to pictures I've seen of Sigmund Freud! That date went nowhere as well, and after the date, the woman said to the interviewer with a laugh, "Oh, well, I got a free lunch out of it!"

This is why I don't want to join a dating service. I don't want some third party setting me up with someone, gushingly assuring me that "oh, we know this is a love match; you're just going to love him and we know he'll love you!" and then five minutes into the date, I'm looking at my watch going "Ok, how soon can I make a graceful exit here?" and knowing he's thinking the same thing. For the kind of money that dating services charge, it's not worth it. I have better things to do with my money and my time than go on bad dates set up by a dating service and pay an exorbitant sum to do it.

I would rather meet someone in a non-dating situation, find out that we like each other, and THEN go on a date. That's the way my erstwhile-friend Lisa met her husband Dave. She was in college, and she worked at Disneyland each summer to make money. He worked there too, and they met sitting at a break table at the Mexican restaurant at Disneyland where they worked. They started talking, found out they liked each other and had a lot of interests in common, and by the time he asked her out on a date, they knew they liked each other; they weren't going out to find out IF they liked each other. Now they've been married for going on 25 years with four children.

A lady I know at work met her husband on the bus; they were on the same bus going to their different jobs every day, and he kept talking to her, and finally he asked her out on a date, and their first date lasted 12 hours! Now they've been married for going on 10 years.

People tell me, "Try church." I have tried the church I go to, and find that most of the people in the singles group are in their 60's or 70's. I'm in my 40's. While I believe in May-December romances, I'd like to find someone closer to my own age. "Try another church." Which other church should I try? Do you know how many churches there are in the greater Phoenix area? Do I try a church in Phoenix, Scottsdale, Paradise Valley, Tempe, or Mesa? Do I try Presbyterian, Methodist, Assemblies of God, Pentecostal, Charismatic, Bible, or Seventh-Day Adventist? Do I try a church for one year, then decide "the person for me isn't at this church" and try another church? If I did that, I'd be sampling churches until I turned 100! I like my present church, and I go there for the sake of worshiping God and studying the Bible, not to find a husband, although I wish I could do BOTH. And who knows, maybe God will bring "the right one" to my church and sit him down right smack dab next to me at the next Sunday service (are you listening, God?) But that hasn't happened yet...

Then people say, "Well, join a club or something!" I have tried that too, with no success thus far. I found a website called Meetup.com, and joined a number of Meetup groups in my area to find people who share interests with me, be they single or not, men or women, young or old. A lot of the Meetup groups I joined have folded due to lack of participation by the members. I belong to a very large singles group on Meetup, but they have very few activities I want to participate in. Poker night at someone's house? A swimming party at someone's house? Happy hour at a local bar? Karaoke night? None of these things appeal to me. I DID go with some of the people in this group for Zoo Lights at the Phoenix Zoo, and another time went with them to a local historical museum in Tempe (I love museums and could spend all day wandering through a museum), but most of their get-togethers are activities that just don't appeal to me.

I've recently developed an interest in bowling, and I've been bowling with people from work. I'd love to take bowling lessons, but there's only one bowling alley (actually, they're called bowling "centers" now) anywhere near me that offers lessons, and they charge $35 for a 45-minute lesson. I can't afford to take many lessons at that cost, so I took one introductory lesson, and now I just go to one of the bowling centers on a weekend afternoon and try to practice. I'd like to find a Beginner's League or Beginner's Club to join, but most of the leagues and clubs at the local bowling centers are for people who are a little more advanced than someone who has taken just one lesson and rolls mostly gutter balls! I do keep my eyes out for something "more up my alley" in this area (pun intended), though!

I've been told by many well-intentioned people that "he's out there somewhere," meaning the right person for me. What these people can't tell me is where "Out There Somewhere" is located. Is that anywhere near Far Far Away from the "Shrek" movies? Where is the geographical location on the map for "Out There Somewhere?" Can I drive there, or do I need to take a plane, train, bus or boat to get there?

I've also been told that "there are plenty of fish in the sea." Again, they can't tell me what part of the sea all these "fish" are swimming around in. I've so far not been able to find any fish in my part of the ocean, and if I knew where in the sea these fish are located, I could swim over to that part of the sea to look for them. But it's a big ocean - where are they?

Most of the men I meet are too old for me or now, disconcertingly, too YOUNG for me (when I got out of high school, the men I met at the various offices where I worked were all in their 40's or 50's; now I'm finding a lot of the men at the office where I work are in their 20's or 30's - how did THAT happen? They've gone from being old enough to be my dad, to being young enough to be my son, in the blink of an eye!) They're already married, have steady girlfriends, or are not interested in making a long-term commitment, i.e. marriage, to anyone.

I know that some women are told they come across as "desperate;" I sure don't think that's my own personal problem because, in fact, most people at work assume I'm already married and are surprised to find out I'm not. I think the whole crux of my problem is - where are all the decent, godly Christian men my age who are for whatever reason single and don't want to be single?

At least, when I read blogs like that other single Christian lady who writes "Just One Single's Blog," I know I'm not alone in this boat. For a long time I thought I was.

One last comment in a very lengthy post (there's a reason this blog is called "The Rambler!") - why is it that when you want something very very much, people feel duty-bound to argue with you about it? I've had people tell me, "Oh, you shouldn't feel you need a man to make your life complete." I never said I "need a man to make my life complete." What I WOULD like is to find someone to love and be loved by so I don't have to spend the rest of my life alone. I miss being part of an "and." When Mom was alive, and she and I lived together, we were an "and." "Where are you and your mother going on vacation this summer?" "I'll come pick you and Mom up to take you to the airport in the morning." "You and Mom can come over for Thanksgiving dinner at 2:00 tomorrow." "Did you and Mom go to that sale at the mall on Saturday?" Now that I live alone, I'm not part of an "and" anymore.

Or "You shouldn't feel you need another human being to make you happy. You have to be happy in and of yourself." I agree. I don't want someone to "make me happy." No one can "make me happy" if I'm not happy already. No human being can make another human being "happy." What I want is to have someone to love and be loved by so I can be happiER. Everything in life is better, sweeter, more wonderful, if you have someone you love to SHARE it with.

Or people will say, "Trust me, marriage isn't what it's cracked up to be. Trust me, I know! You should be glad you're single, honey!"

Why, why, do people feel they have to argue with you about something you want? The only thing that makes me feel better is that I know if I were to say to these very same people, "Marriage? Why on earth would I want to get married? Why would I want to give up my freedom and tie myself down to one man? I'd have to be crazy to do that!" these people would then try to argue with me about THAT and say things like, "Oh, marriage can be so wonderful - you just wait till you meet the right man, and you'll change your mind!" People just seem to have this built-in need to try to argue with you no matter WHAT you say, to take the opposite tack of any thing you tell them.