This is a fascinating, albeit admittedly macabre, special on The History Channel, and I found it extremely interesting (although I think it might be better shown on Halloween!) It's the true story of how a group of counterfeiters hatched, and nearly successfully carried out, a plot to steal President Lincoln's body and hold it for ransom in 1876.
There were a couple of things in the special that I took note of. Harold Holzer, a Lincoln biographer, refers to Mary Lincoln often writing and speaking of her expectation of being reunited with her husband in eternity, and he adds the curious comment, "Of course, that was what they believed back then." (I'm paraphrasing because I can't remember the exact wording of his comment.) I find that interesting because he makes it sound like nobody today believes in an afterlife or eternity or being reunited with loved ones in eternity. Perhaps that is not what he meant, but it sounded like it. I think that most people, unless they are atheists, have some kind of expectation of an afterlife, and of seeing our loved ones in eternity when we die (I know I do), and I don't think that is a belief that was held only in Mary Lincoln's time. If he was referring to Mary's fascination with spiritualism, that is also a belief that is still held in our time today (hence the appeal of people such as mediums James Van Praagh or John Edward, who claim to be able to communicate with the dead.) These beliefs have never gone out of vogue.
Thomas Craughwell, who authored the book upon which this special is based, and who gives extensive commentary throughout the special, stated that Abraham Lincoln II, known as "Jack," who was Robert Lincoln's son, was interred with the rest of the family at the tomb in Illinois, and he calls him "their one and only grandchild." I hope he misspoke, because that's not true. Robert Lincoln had two other children, both daughters. Perhaps Mr. Craughwell meant to say "their one and only grandson" and it came out wrong. (I have also read that "Jack" Lincoln was disinterred and reburied at Arlington, where Robert Lincoln and his wife are buried, and the special doesn't point this detail out either.)
I wonder if I am the only one who noticed something very ironic. After the unsuccessful attempt to steal the body, the coffin was partially out of its sarcophagus, so the caretaker and some other men took it down to the basement area of the tomb to hide it so tourists wouldn't see the broken sarcophagus with the coffin protruding. Then, to further hide it, they covered it with lumber. To me, the irony was this - Lincoln, known as the "Great Railsplitter," often pictured as a young man with an ax in his hand, splitting logs, was, during several years after the unsuccessful attempt to steal his body, lying in his coffin, hidden underneath a pile of lumber. (Why do I think that Mr. Lincoln, who had a noted sense of humor, would have somehow found this funny and gotten a good leg-slapping laugh out of it?)
They also didn't really mention the fact that Lincoln and Mary were not alone when they attended "Our American Cousin" at Ford's Theatre that fateful night. No mention was made, in this special at least, of Major Rathbone and his fiancee Clara also being present in the President's box that night. (I visited Washington D.C. some years ago and got to tour Ford's Theatre as well as the Petersen House across the street where they carried Lincoln and where he died the following morning. Incidentally, the illustrations, some used in this special, showing enormous groups of people around the President's deathbed, are erroneous. That room at the back of the Petersen House is so small, you couldn't fit that many people around that bed all at once.)
I always enjoy the History Channel. You learn things there that you never learn anywhere else, even rather ghoulish pieces of history such as this. (Macabre though it may be, it's still very interesting, in a weird way, and I plan to look for Mr. Craughwell's book and read more about it.) The two channels I find myself watching the most, to the exclusion of almost anything and everything else, are the History Channel and, due to my great fondness for stories set against the backdrop of the American West, I watch Encore Westerns. I almost don't need any other channels except those two!
As a P.S., I wonder whatever happened to the plan to make a motion picture out of an excellent book about the Lincoln assassination and the chase after Booth and his cohorts, called "Manhunt?" (Get that book and read it if this is a topic that interests you - it is VERY good.) And while he's technically too old for the role, I think Johnny Depp absolutely HAS to play John Wilkes Booth in something - with a mustache, he looks strikingly like Booth and could play the role probably as well as any current actor I can think of.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Being Single, Part II
I hadn't intended to post again so soon about this topic, but this evening I was reading another blog I follow, and a comment left on that blog bothered me deeply. So I decided perhaps writing down my feelings would help me "feel better." (A blog is a good place to vent!)
As I wondered in my previous post on this topic, I wonder why on earth some people feel a need to throw cold water on a single person's desire to one day marry. Why do people, at least some people, feel duty-bound, absolutely compelled, to ARGUE with you about this kind of dream, and try to dampen down your expectations, your hopes, your heart's desires?
The comment on this other blog (and I will paraphrase) was that this particular commenter sees so many single people at church, all of them pining and hoping for a mate, and that due to their age, which the commenter gives as "40 to 55 and never been married," the commenter "knows in my heart of hearts" that "they will probably never see the day they will wear a wedding gown," and the commenter's heart "aches for them." They need to "stop thinking about marriage and find God's purpose for their lives as a single person." (Again, I'm paraphrasing.)
First of all, the comment is obviously directed at single women. I wonder, I sincerely wonder - if there are single men out there who are lonely and yearn for a spouse, do THEY get such comments directed at THEM? I know that every time I have brought up to various friends that I would very much like to get married one day, there will be at least one, if not several, who will basically try to "talk me out of it." They put words in my mouth like "you shouldn't expect someone to make you happy; you should be happy anyway." (Did I say I expected this man, whoever he is, if he even exists, will "make me happy?" I actually argued with one person about the meaning of the suffix "er," as in "No, I don't expect him to make me happy - no person can do that for another person - but I do expect to be happiER because I will have him to share things with and do things with and to give my love to. What is wrong with that?") Or "You shouldn't think so much about getting married. Just learn to be happy the way you are."
Again I wonder - if you're a man and single, do you get the same kind of comments if you express a heartfelt desire to find a wife? And also, why did the person whose comments have caused me to write this post mention the age range of "40 to 55" with the strong assumption that once you reach that age bracket, "you will probably never wear a wedding gown?" If you're 39, there's still a chance, but once you hit 40, that's it, no more hope? And what about if you're 56? Suddenly you have a chance again? And if you're a man who is in that age bracket, will you "probably never wear a tuxedo?"
At least the age has gone up - in the 19th century and prior, if you reached the age of 25 and were still a single woman, you were officially an "old maid" and a "spinster" and "couldn't catch a husband."
Any other "dream" you have, people usually are very supportive. If you fervently want a baby (which I do not), people express their hope that you and your husband will successfully become parents. If you dream of going to college, starting your own business, taking a vacation trip to someplace like Australia, people will be supportive. But for the biggest dream of all - finding a special person to share your life and your love with - people just seem to feel a need to ARGUE with you about it or even REPRIMAND you for it as if you're wrong to even EXPRESS the desire, much less HAVE the desire. Why can't they just simply say, "If that is what you want, if that is your heart's desire and your dream, then I sincerely hope it comes true for you one day, and I will rejoice with you if it does"?
The only other thing I've found this to hold true with is grief, (people try to argue you out of grief, they try to lay a guilt trip on you if you grieve for a lost loved one for what they consider is "too long,") and that is a subject for another post at another time!
As I wondered in my previous post on this topic, I wonder why on earth some people feel a need to throw cold water on a single person's desire to one day marry. Why do people, at least some people, feel duty-bound, absolutely compelled, to ARGUE with you about this kind of dream, and try to dampen down your expectations, your hopes, your heart's desires?
The comment on this other blog (and I will paraphrase) was that this particular commenter sees so many single people at church, all of them pining and hoping for a mate, and that due to their age, which the commenter gives as "40 to 55 and never been married," the commenter "knows in my heart of hearts" that "they will probably never see the day they will wear a wedding gown," and the commenter's heart "aches for them." They need to "stop thinking about marriage and find God's purpose for their lives as a single person." (Again, I'm paraphrasing.)
First of all, the comment is obviously directed at single women. I wonder, I sincerely wonder - if there are single men out there who are lonely and yearn for a spouse, do THEY get such comments directed at THEM? I know that every time I have brought up to various friends that I would very much like to get married one day, there will be at least one, if not several, who will basically try to "talk me out of it." They put words in my mouth like "you shouldn't expect someone to make you happy; you should be happy anyway." (Did I say I expected this man, whoever he is, if he even exists, will "make me happy?" I actually argued with one person about the meaning of the suffix "er," as in "No, I don't expect him to make me happy - no person can do that for another person - but I do expect to be happiER because I will have him to share things with and do things with and to give my love to. What is wrong with that?") Or "You shouldn't think so much about getting married. Just learn to be happy the way you are."
Again I wonder - if you're a man and single, do you get the same kind of comments if you express a heartfelt desire to find a wife? And also, why did the person whose comments have caused me to write this post mention the age range of "40 to 55" with the strong assumption that once you reach that age bracket, "you will probably never wear a wedding gown?" If you're 39, there's still a chance, but once you hit 40, that's it, no more hope? And what about if you're 56? Suddenly you have a chance again? And if you're a man who is in that age bracket, will you "probably never wear a tuxedo?"
At least the age has gone up - in the 19th century and prior, if you reached the age of 25 and were still a single woman, you were officially an "old maid" and a "spinster" and "couldn't catch a husband."
Any other "dream" you have, people usually are very supportive. If you fervently want a baby (which I do not), people express their hope that you and your husband will successfully become parents. If you dream of going to college, starting your own business, taking a vacation trip to someplace like Australia, people will be supportive. But for the biggest dream of all - finding a special person to share your life and your love with - people just seem to feel a need to ARGUE with you about it or even REPRIMAND you for it as if you're wrong to even EXPRESS the desire, much less HAVE the desire. Why can't they just simply say, "If that is what you want, if that is your heart's desire and your dream, then I sincerely hope it comes true for you one day, and I will rejoice with you if it does"?
The only other thing I've found this to hold true with is grief, (people try to argue you out of grief, they try to lay a guilt trip on you if you grieve for a lost loved one for what they consider is "too long,") and that is a subject for another post at another time!
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Creepy moment of the week
NPR this morning during Scott Simon's "Saturday Edition" show was playing really bad renditions of songs from the 70's. Some guy doing a horrible rendition of "Love Will Keep Us Together" - a little kid butchering "You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings" - etc.
But the creepiest version went to:
Liberace performing Neil Diamond's "You Don't Bring Me Flowers."
I mean, when it got to the lyric "When it's good for you and you're feelin' all right, well you just roll over and turn out the light," I was like "eeeuuuuwwww!!"
I don't have anything against Liberace - my mom and I saw him in concert several times, and he was fantastic. They didn't call him "Mr. Showmanship" for nothing.
But there are just certain songs that some performers should never do, and this is one of those combinations!
I think I'll go to You Tube now and watch the clip of the priceless time at the Grammy Awards when Neil and Barbra sang this song to each other. Now THAT was a classic moment.
But the creepiest version went to:
Liberace performing Neil Diamond's "You Don't Bring Me Flowers."
I mean, when it got to the lyric "When it's good for you and you're feelin' all right, well you just roll over and turn out the light," I was like "eeeuuuuwwww!!"
I don't have anything against Liberace - my mom and I saw him in concert several times, and he was fantastic. They didn't call him "Mr. Showmanship" for nothing.
But there are just certain songs that some performers should never do, and this is one of those combinations!
I think I'll go to You Tube now and watch the clip of the priceless time at the Grammy Awards when Neil and Barbra sang this song to each other. Now THAT was a classic moment.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Being single
I hesitated to write about this topic for fear of sounding like I'm "feeling sorry for myself," but it's on my mind tonight because I was reading another single woman's blog that I follow (it's called "Just One Single's Blog," and while she doesn't post on her blog very often, I find that whenever she does, her thoughts reflect mine exactly) and because Valentine's Day is coming up, which is usually pretty difficult if you're a single person wishing you had Someone Special to give you flowers and candy and take you out to dinner and a movie on that day!
I will confess that all my life, dating back to high school or even the later years of grade school, the desire of my heart has been to one day find a loving Christian husband. They say your image of marriage is shaped by what you see with your parents, and in my mom and dad, I was blessed to have two people who were crazy about each other, got along amazingly well (there were times Daddy accidentally hurt Mom's feelings, because he could be rather brusque and insensitive at times, a trait his daughter has unfortunately inherited, and Mom could be hypersensitive with paper-thin feelings who could get hurt over things nobody else would be bothered by, but 99% of the time, they got along like a hand in glove), and when Daddy died at not quite 49 years old from a sudden and unexpected heart attack, Mom never stopped missing him, and never remarried, saying, "There's nothing better once you've had the best."
I thought when I was in grade school, 7th and 8th grade, that I would probably have a "high school sweetheart." I'd heard that phrase so often and just took it for granted it would happen for me. But for whatever reason, I never did have a "high school sweetheart."
Since graduating and joining the adult world, I've found how darn difficult it is to "meet somebody." And I've also found that if you don't "meet somebody," people seem to think it's somehow, someway, your own darn fault, that you're "not trying hard enough," that you "need to get out more." Well, having read that you can meet people by taking night classes, I have over the years since I graduated from high school taken non-credit classes on all kinds of subjects at some of the community colleges, as well as a two-year for-credit course in medical transcription at a community college; I've taken classes on various subjects through the Phoenix Parks and Recreation Department and the City of Scottsdale Recreational Department; and I have found that the only men who take night classes are men who are dragged to night classes by their wives!
I've been a member of the Phoenix Zoo and the Desert Botanical Gardens and participated in member activities with both; I've done volunteer work on political campaigns and with local humane organizations; I've socialized with people from work (company picnics, going to sporting events and concerts and local amusement parks, etc.,) So when people tell me, "You need to get out more; you're never going to meet anyone sitting at home," and I recite the above list to them, their eyes glaze over and they say, "Oh, I guess you get out more than I thought."
Of course, the first thing people suggest is "try a dating service." I looked into that, but veto that idea for two reasons: cost and the likelihood it probably wouldn't work. Dating services are EXPENSIVE. They are, after all, preying on people's emotions, and it can easily cost you a four-figure sum or a very high three-figure sum to join one. I saw a program on TV on one of the cable networks (TLC or something like that) about dating services, and it said quite bluntly that only 20% of people who are set up on a date by a dating service even go out on a second date! If you're in major league baseball and your batting average is 200, you get sent down to the minors or released! (Go to a web site called "Ripoffreport.com" and look up horror stories on dating services - that's another reason I won't spend the money to join them!)
Plus, I don't like the idea of going out on a date "to find out if I like this man or if he likes me." In this same program I saw on TLC about dating services, they followed some people on dates that were set up by a dating service. One couple in their 20's met at a restaurant for lunch. There was nothing "wrong" with either of them; she was an attractive young woman who seemed very nice, and he was an attractive young man who seemed very nice, and on the surface it seemed like they ought to "hit it off."
But from the minute she arrived for the date, as the camera followed their meal, you could see that they just weren't hitting it off at ALL. There was zero chemistry there, and by the end of the date, they couldn't wait to get away from each other.
This same dating service set up another couple for a date, and while the old saying "opposites attract" might be true, you had to wonder about this date. She was a vivacious, outgoing, bubbly person with a personality like Bette Midler; he was a late middle-aged, quiet and dignified college professor who bore a strong resemblance to pictures I've seen of Sigmund Freud! That date went nowhere as well, and after the date, the woman said to the interviewer with a laugh, "Oh, well, I got a free lunch out of it!"
This is why I don't want to join a dating service. I don't want some third party setting me up with someone, gushingly assuring me that "oh, we know this is a love match; you're just going to love him and we know he'll love you!" and then five minutes into the date, I'm looking at my watch going "Ok, how soon can I make a graceful exit here?" and knowing he's thinking the same thing. For the kind of money that dating services charge, it's not worth it. I have better things to do with my money and my time than go on bad dates set up by a dating service and pay an exorbitant sum to do it.
I would rather meet someone in a non-dating situation, find out that we like each other, and THEN go on a date. That's the way my erstwhile-friend Lisa met her husband Dave. She was in college, and she worked at Disneyland each summer to make money. He worked there too, and they met sitting at a break table at the Mexican restaurant at Disneyland where they worked. They started talking, found out they liked each other and had a lot of interests in common, and by the time he asked her out on a date, they knew they liked each other; they weren't going out to find out IF they liked each other. Now they've been married for going on 25 years with four children.
A lady I know at work met her husband on the bus; they were on the same bus going to their different jobs every day, and he kept talking to her, and finally he asked her out on a date, and their first date lasted 12 hours! Now they've been married for going on 10 years.
People tell me, "Try church." I have tried the church I go to, and find that most of the people in the singles group are in their 60's or 70's. I'm in my 40's. While I believe in May-December romances, I'd like to find someone closer to my own age. "Try another church." Which other church should I try? Do you know how many churches there are in the greater Phoenix area? Do I try a church in Phoenix, Scottsdale, Paradise Valley, Tempe, or Mesa? Do I try Presbyterian, Methodist, Assemblies of God, Pentecostal, Charismatic, Bible, or Seventh-Day Adventist? Do I try a church for one year, then decide "the person for me isn't at this church" and try another church? If I did that, I'd be sampling churches until I turned 100! I like my present church, and I go there for the sake of worshiping God and studying the Bible, not to find a husband, although I wish I could do BOTH. And who knows, maybe God will bring "the right one" to my church and sit him down right smack dab next to me at the next Sunday service (are you listening, God?) But that hasn't happened yet...
Then people say, "Well, join a club or something!" I have tried that too, with no success thus far. I found a website called Meetup.com, and joined a number of Meetup groups in my area to find people who share interests with me, be they single or not, men or women, young or old. A lot of the Meetup groups I joined have folded due to lack of participation by the members. I belong to a very large singles group on Meetup, but they have very few activities I want to participate in. Poker night at someone's house? A swimming party at someone's house? Happy hour at a local bar? Karaoke night? None of these things appeal to me. I DID go with some of the people in this group for Zoo Lights at the Phoenix Zoo, and another time went with them to a local historical museum in Tempe (I love museums and could spend all day wandering through a museum), but most of their get-togethers are activities that just don't appeal to me.
I've recently developed an interest in bowling, and I've been bowling with people from work. I'd love to take bowling lessons, but there's only one bowling alley (actually, they're called bowling "centers" now) anywhere near me that offers lessons, and they charge $35 for a 45-minute lesson. I can't afford to take many lessons at that cost, so I took one introductory lesson, and now I just go to one of the bowling centers on a weekend afternoon and try to practice. I'd like to find a Beginner's League or Beginner's Club to join, but most of the leagues and clubs at the local bowling centers are for people who are a little more advanced than someone who has taken just one lesson and rolls mostly gutter balls! I do keep my eyes out for something "more up my alley" in this area (pun intended), though!
I've been told by many well-intentioned people that "he's out there somewhere," meaning the right person for me. What these people can't tell me is where "Out There Somewhere" is located. Is that anywhere near Far Far Away from the "Shrek" movies? Where is the geographical location on the map for "Out There Somewhere?" Can I drive there, or do I need to take a plane, train, bus or boat to get there?
I've also been told that "there are plenty of fish in the sea." Again, they can't tell me what part of the sea all these "fish" are swimming around in. I've so far not been able to find any fish in my part of the ocean, and if I knew where in the sea these fish are located, I could swim over to that part of the sea to look for them. But it's a big ocean - where are they?
Most of the men I meet are too old for me or now, disconcertingly, too YOUNG for me (when I got out of high school, the men I met at the various offices where I worked were all in their 40's or 50's; now I'm finding a lot of the men at the office where I work are in their 20's or 30's - how did THAT happen? They've gone from being old enough to be my dad, to being young enough to be my son, in the blink of an eye!) They're already married, have steady girlfriends, or are not interested in making a long-term commitment, i.e. marriage, to anyone.
I know that some women are told they come across as "desperate;" I sure don't think that's my own personal problem because, in fact, most people at work assume I'm already married and are surprised to find out I'm not. I think the whole crux of my problem is - where are all the decent, godly Christian men my age who are for whatever reason single and don't want to be single?
At least, when I read blogs like that other single Christian lady who writes "Just One Single's Blog," I know I'm not alone in this boat. For a long time I thought I was.
One last comment in a very lengthy post (there's a reason this blog is called "The Rambler!") - why is it that when you want something very very much, people feel duty-bound to argue with you about it? I've had people tell me, "Oh, you shouldn't feel you need a man to make your life complete." I never said I "need a man to make my life complete." What I WOULD like is to find someone to love and be loved by so I don't have to spend the rest of my life alone. I miss being part of an "and." When Mom was alive, and she and I lived together, we were an "and." "Where are you and your mother going on vacation this summer?" "I'll come pick you and Mom up to take you to the airport in the morning." "You and Mom can come over for Thanksgiving dinner at 2:00 tomorrow." "Did you and Mom go to that sale at the mall on Saturday?" Now that I live alone, I'm not part of an "and" anymore.
Or "You shouldn't feel you need another human being to make you happy. You have to be happy in and of yourself." I agree. I don't want someone to "make me happy." No one can "make me happy" if I'm not happy already. No human being can make another human being "happy." What I want is to have someone to love and be loved by so I can be happiER. Everything in life is better, sweeter, more wonderful, if you have someone you love to SHARE it with.
Or people will say, "Trust me, marriage isn't what it's cracked up to be. Trust me, I know! You should be glad you're single, honey!"
Why, why, do people feel they have to argue with you about something you want? The only thing that makes me feel better is that I know if I were to say to these very same people, "Marriage? Why on earth would I want to get married? Why would I want to give up my freedom and tie myself down to one man? I'd have to be crazy to do that!" these people would then try to argue with me about THAT and say things like, "Oh, marriage can be so wonderful - you just wait till you meet the right man, and you'll change your mind!" People just seem to have this built-in need to try to argue with you no matter WHAT you say, to take the opposite tack of any thing you tell them.
I will confess that all my life, dating back to high school or even the later years of grade school, the desire of my heart has been to one day find a loving Christian husband. They say your image of marriage is shaped by what you see with your parents, and in my mom and dad, I was blessed to have two people who were crazy about each other, got along amazingly well (there were times Daddy accidentally hurt Mom's feelings, because he could be rather brusque and insensitive at times, a trait his daughter has unfortunately inherited, and Mom could be hypersensitive with paper-thin feelings who could get hurt over things nobody else would be bothered by, but 99% of the time, they got along like a hand in glove), and when Daddy died at not quite 49 years old from a sudden and unexpected heart attack, Mom never stopped missing him, and never remarried, saying, "There's nothing better once you've had the best."
I thought when I was in grade school, 7th and 8th grade, that I would probably have a "high school sweetheart." I'd heard that phrase so often and just took it for granted it would happen for me. But for whatever reason, I never did have a "high school sweetheart."
Since graduating and joining the adult world, I've found how darn difficult it is to "meet somebody." And I've also found that if you don't "meet somebody," people seem to think it's somehow, someway, your own darn fault, that you're "not trying hard enough," that you "need to get out more." Well, having read that you can meet people by taking night classes, I have over the years since I graduated from high school taken non-credit classes on all kinds of subjects at some of the community colleges, as well as a two-year for-credit course in medical transcription at a community college; I've taken classes on various subjects through the Phoenix Parks and Recreation Department and the City of Scottsdale Recreational Department; and I have found that the only men who take night classes are men who are dragged to night classes by their wives!
I've been a member of the Phoenix Zoo and the Desert Botanical Gardens and participated in member activities with both; I've done volunteer work on political campaigns and with local humane organizations; I've socialized with people from work (company picnics, going to sporting events and concerts and local amusement parks, etc.,) So when people tell me, "You need to get out more; you're never going to meet anyone sitting at home," and I recite the above list to them, their eyes glaze over and they say, "Oh, I guess you get out more than I thought."
Of course, the first thing people suggest is "try a dating service." I looked into that, but veto that idea for two reasons: cost and the likelihood it probably wouldn't work. Dating services are EXPENSIVE. They are, after all, preying on people's emotions, and it can easily cost you a four-figure sum or a very high three-figure sum to join one. I saw a program on TV on one of the cable networks (TLC or something like that) about dating services, and it said quite bluntly that only 20% of people who are set up on a date by a dating service even go out on a second date! If you're in major league baseball and your batting average is 200, you get sent down to the minors or released! (Go to a web site called "Ripoffreport.com" and look up horror stories on dating services - that's another reason I won't spend the money to join them!)
Plus, I don't like the idea of going out on a date "to find out if I like this man or if he likes me." In this same program I saw on TLC about dating services, they followed some people on dates that were set up by a dating service. One couple in their 20's met at a restaurant for lunch. There was nothing "wrong" with either of them; she was an attractive young woman who seemed very nice, and he was an attractive young man who seemed very nice, and on the surface it seemed like they ought to "hit it off."
But from the minute she arrived for the date, as the camera followed their meal, you could see that they just weren't hitting it off at ALL. There was zero chemistry there, and by the end of the date, they couldn't wait to get away from each other.
This same dating service set up another couple for a date, and while the old saying "opposites attract" might be true, you had to wonder about this date. She was a vivacious, outgoing, bubbly person with a personality like Bette Midler; he was a late middle-aged, quiet and dignified college professor who bore a strong resemblance to pictures I've seen of Sigmund Freud! That date went nowhere as well, and after the date, the woman said to the interviewer with a laugh, "Oh, well, I got a free lunch out of it!"
This is why I don't want to join a dating service. I don't want some third party setting me up with someone, gushingly assuring me that "oh, we know this is a love match; you're just going to love him and we know he'll love you!" and then five minutes into the date, I'm looking at my watch going "Ok, how soon can I make a graceful exit here?" and knowing he's thinking the same thing. For the kind of money that dating services charge, it's not worth it. I have better things to do with my money and my time than go on bad dates set up by a dating service and pay an exorbitant sum to do it.
I would rather meet someone in a non-dating situation, find out that we like each other, and THEN go on a date. That's the way my erstwhile-friend Lisa met her husband Dave. She was in college, and she worked at Disneyland each summer to make money. He worked there too, and they met sitting at a break table at the Mexican restaurant at Disneyland where they worked. They started talking, found out they liked each other and had a lot of interests in common, and by the time he asked her out on a date, they knew they liked each other; they weren't going out to find out IF they liked each other. Now they've been married for going on 25 years with four children.
A lady I know at work met her husband on the bus; they were on the same bus going to their different jobs every day, and he kept talking to her, and finally he asked her out on a date, and their first date lasted 12 hours! Now they've been married for going on 10 years.
People tell me, "Try church." I have tried the church I go to, and find that most of the people in the singles group are in their 60's or 70's. I'm in my 40's. While I believe in May-December romances, I'd like to find someone closer to my own age. "Try another church." Which other church should I try? Do you know how many churches there are in the greater Phoenix area? Do I try a church in Phoenix, Scottsdale, Paradise Valley, Tempe, or Mesa? Do I try Presbyterian, Methodist, Assemblies of God, Pentecostal, Charismatic, Bible, or Seventh-Day Adventist? Do I try a church for one year, then decide "the person for me isn't at this church" and try another church? If I did that, I'd be sampling churches until I turned 100! I like my present church, and I go there for the sake of worshiping God and studying the Bible, not to find a husband, although I wish I could do BOTH. And who knows, maybe God will bring "the right one" to my church and sit him down right smack dab next to me at the next Sunday service (are you listening, God?) But that hasn't happened yet...
Then people say, "Well, join a club or something!" I have tried that too, with no success thus far. I found a website called Meetup.com, and joined a number of Meetup groups in my area to find people who share interests with me, be they single or not, men or women, young or old. A lot of the Meetup groups I joined have folded due to lack of participation by the members. I belong to a very large singles group on Meetup, but they have very few activities I want to participate in. Poker night at someone's house? A swimming party at someone's house? Happy hour at a local bar? Karaoke night? None of these things appeal to me. I DID go with some of the people in this group for Zoo Lights at the Phoenix Zoo, and another time went with them to a local historical museum in Tempe (I love museums and could spend all day wandering through a museum), but most of their get-togethers are activities that just don't appeal to me.
I've recently developed an interest in bowling, and I've been bowling with people from work. I'd love to take bowling lessons, but there's only one bowling alley (actually, they're called bowling "centers" now) anywhere near me that offers lessons, and they charge $35 for a 45-minute lesson. I can't afford to take many lessons at that cost, so I took one introductory lesson, and now I just go to one of the bowling centers on a weekend afternoon and try to practice. I'd like to find a Beginner's League or Beginner's Club to join, but most of the leagues and clubs at the local bowling centers are for people who are a little more advanced than someone who has taken just one lesson and rolls mostly gutter balls! I do keep my eyes out for something "more up my alley" in this area (pun intended), though!
I've been told by many well-intentioned people that "he's out there somewhere," meaning the right person for me. What these people can't tell me is where "Out There Somewhere" is located. Is that anywhere near Far Far Away from the "Shrek" movies? Where is the geographical location on the map for "Out There Somewhere?" Can I drive there, or do I need to take a plane, train, bus or boat to get there?
I've also been told that "there are plenty of fish in the sea." Again, they can't tell me what part of the sea all these "fish" are swimming around in. I've so far not been able to find any fish in my part of the ocean, and if I knew where in the sea these fish are located, I could swim over to that part of the sea to look for them. But it's a big ocean - where are they?
Most of the men I meet are too old for me or now, disconcertingly, too YOUNG for me (when I got out of high school, the men I met at the various offices where I worked were all in their 40's or 50's; now I'm finding a lot of the men at the office where I work are in their 20's or 30's - how did THAT happen? They've gone from being old enough to be my dad, to being young enough to be my son, in the blink of an eye!) They're already married, have steady girlfriends, or are not interested in making a long-term commitment, i.e. marriage, to anyone.
I know that some women are told they come across as "desperate;" I sure don't think that's my own personal problem because, in fact, most people at work assume I'm already married and are surprised to find out I'm not. I think the whole crux of my problem is - where are all the decent, godly Christian men my age who are for whatever reason single and don't want to be single?
At least, when I read blogs like that other single Christian lady who writes "Just One Single's Blog," I know I'm not alone in this boat. For a long time I thought I was.
One last comment in a very lengthy post (there's a reason this blog is called "The Rambler!") - why is it that when you want something very very much, people feel duty-bound to argue with you about it? I've had people tell me, "Oh, you shouldn't feel you need a man to make your life complete." I never said I "need a man to make my life complete." What I WOULD like is to find someone to love and be loved by so I don't have to spend the rest of my life alone. I miss being part of an "and." When Mom was alive, and she and I lived together, we were an "and." "Where are you and your mother going on vacation this summer?" "I'll come pick you and Mom up to take you to the airport in the morning." "You and Mom can come over for Thanksgiving dinner at 2:00 tomorrow." "Did you and Mom go to that sale at the mall on Saturday?" Now that I live alone, I'm not part of an "and" anymore.
Or "You shouldn't feel you need another human being to make you happy. You have to be happy in and of yourself." I agree. I don't want someone to "make me happy." No one can "make me happy" if I'm not happy already. No human being can make another human being "happy." What I want is to have someone to love and be loved by so I can be happiER. Everything in life is better, sweeter, more wonderful, if you have someone you love to SHARE it with.
Or people will say, "Trust me, marriage isn't what it's cracked up to be. Trust me, I know! You should be glad you're single, honey!"
Why, why, do people feel they have to argue with you about something you want? The only thing that makes me feel better is that I know if I were to say to these very same people, "Marriage? Why on earth would I want to get married? Why would I want to give up my freedom and tie myself down to one man? I'd have to be crazy to do that!" these people would then try to argue with me about THAT and say things like, "Oh, marriage can be so wonderful - you just wait till you meet the right man, and you'll change your mind!" People just seem to have this built-in need to try to argue with you no matter WHAT you say, to take the opposite tack of any thing you tell them.
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