Insurance company calls, part II

This is a never-ending topic for me, because having answered the switchboard for an insurance company for several years, I am continually amazed at people. I understand completely the frustration over what they perceive as poor customer service, because I've been in that boat many times myself when calling a business or organization. But sometimes, the sheer lack of IQ in these people is astonishing.

Please, if you call me and ask to speak to John Jones or Mary Smith, and I tell you, "I'm sorry, Mr. Jones is on another call right now. Would you like his voice mail or would you like to hold?", please, please don't be stupid and ask me, "Well, how long is he gonna be on the phone?" That ranks as the A Number One Stupid Question I get!

Let me describe this for you: I have a switchboard console in front of me. The console has a lot of buttons on it, one button for the extension of each employee of our company. Next to each button is a little light. If the little light is red, that means the person at that extension is on the phone. If the little light is not on, that means the person is not on the phone, although it is impossible to tell if that person is actually at their desk or not. I have no way of knowing, if the person is indeed on the phone, who they might be talking to, and I definitely have absolutely no way of knowing how much longer they will be on the phone. All I know is that they ARE on the phone and that's ALL I know. (If you were walking down the street and saw somebody talking on their cellphone or at a payphone, and I said to you, "Hey, how long is that person gonna be on the phone?" would you be able to tell me?)

When the party you want to speak with is on another call, you have four options: Leave a voice mail message. Leave a message with me and I will make sure to get the message to the person. Go on hold for awhile, and every couple minutes, I will take you off hold and ask if you still want to continue to hold. Or you can hang up and try back later. Them are your options, folks. And no, I am not allowed, nor do I have the capacity from my switchboard console, to break into the person's conversation and tell them you're on line waiting to talk to them. That's just rude. How would you like it if YOU were the one they were talking to and somebody ELSE called and insisted on butting into YOUR conversation with Mr. Jones and talking to him instead of you? It's called WAIT YOUR TURN.

I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to say, "Well, let's see, let me look into my magic crystal ball. Yes, my magic crystal ball tells me that Mr. Jones will be on the phone for another 23 minutes and 34 seconds. Can you wait that long or do you wish to leave a message?" or "Oh good news! My magic crystal ball tells me that Mr. Jones will be concluding his current phone conversation in another 28 seconds. Just hang on a little bit and I'll be able to put you right through."

You can pretty much tell in the first few seconds of a conversation with a caller if this is a person who, as a child, was given everything he or she wanted by Mommy and Daddy, and learned that throwing a temper tantrum was a good method to get their own way if somebody crossed them, because he or she will act at 25 or 35 or 45 the same way they acted at age 5. I've had people throw grown-up temper tantrums on the phone because I couldn't magically and instantly give them what they wanted, apparently thinking that getting mad and cussing me out will produce instantaneous results (it must have worked at age 5, so they try it as an adult). I've had people get sarcastic with me, apparently thinking I'm some dumb blonde who doesn't know her head from a hole in the ground. I've had people get bossy with me and order me around, as if they have any authority or control over me. (Who died and made you king or queen, anyway?) And through it all, I have to restrain my temper and be as pleasant and nice to them as possible, in the name of customer service. I'm doing my best to help you; please don't complicate the issue by getting mad at me when I can only do so much for you! It's not my fault so-and-so didn't call you back; it's not my fault so-and-so isn't at their desk to take your call; it's not my fault so-and-so is already on another call when your call comes in; it's not my fault so-and-so is on vacation and you need to talk to them NOW.

And that's another thing. I don't have people's cellphone numbers, and if I did, I wouldn't be allowed to give it out unless that person gave me prior permission. So if the person is not in the office, and you say, "Well, do you have his cellphone number?" I am NOT allowed to give that to you, and I don't have the cellphone number to give out ANYWAY because that is not information that is given to me as the switchboard operator in the first place. The only time I would ever have a cellphone number is a situation in which a claims examiner is expecting a conference call about a claim from an attorney, and the claims examiner has to go to lunch, and stops by the front desk and says to me, "Joe Blow is going to call me sometime today about this claim, and I am going to lunch; if he calls, here's my cellphone number so he can reach me while I'm at lunch." But those situations are few and far between.

Oh yes, I will have much more. The number of stupid and aggravating calls I've gotten over the years is a never-ending story!